Looking back at all of this.. I’ve realized that, I’ve always known. I’ve always known that he wasn’t in this for all the good reasons, his mind was never with me, it was somewhere else. I’ve always known that I deserved better, not his silence, not his lies, and definitely not his half ass effort. I guess I’ve always known what I wanted from the get-go. I never felt secure with him. I was always sad. He took advantage of my kindness. He never asked me questions. He never cared. He never reassured me. He was never there. My mind was always racing with terrible thoughts. It’s such a nauseating feeling to be with somebody that never tells you anything. I had plenty of panic attacks and obsessed with his thoughts; I always wondered what really went on in his mind. I never felt like I was apart of his life, cause he never put me there. I felt no different from any side girl; because he never introduced me to his life, inside and out… I hated how that felt because I’ve been down that road before.. I didn’t even wanna go back there. My friends have told me various times, that they believed I settled for less; I didn’t want to admit it at the time, but I’ve always known that I did.. He never gave me his 110%, only his %40. Not even half…. Yeah, it sucks… Especially since I already knew that I was going down a bad route. My sister once told me to always trust my gut because your subconscious sees the things you don’t see that you surround yourself with when you’re awake. I should’ve known better. I should’ve seen all those red flags… Starting from his long past with his ex to his everyday whereabouts. I never knew a single detail of him…. It made me so sad. I don’t know why I put up with it. I hated how I let him get to me. I don’t ever wanna go back there, ever again. I can never be with someone who doesn’t reveal not even, one layer of their life to me. I need someone who’s gonna be straight up, break down every part of them, and let me in on parts of them they never introduce to anyone else. I need honesty, I need respect. I need affection, I need time spent, I need persistence, I need security, I need a foundation of trust. I need someone who’s always gonna be there, no matter what; even if they aren’t there, I need to know they’ve always got my back. Someone who speaks highly of me, not someone who doesn’t speak of me at all. I want someone real… Someone who wants and needs me as much as I want and need them. I know now, that I don’t ever want to go back on those paths ever again. This lesson has been repeated in my life before; I guess the reason why I had to go through this twice because God is teaching me to be strong again. To never let a man break me or get beneath my skin. I let that happen once, now twice and I got lost. I know better now. I won’t repeat lessons of the past, and continue looking forward to the now. This was definitely a lesson learned. It reminds me of all the things I don’t want in a bad relationship and all the things I deserve in a good relationship. This motivates me to try harder, work better and remember what I truly deserve. My time will come again one day and I will be strong again.

I’m not bitter anymore, just relieved. This wasn’t a complete waste of time, but a lesson learned. Literally opened my eyes… Biggest wake up call & now I can finally move forward properly and not look back anymore. Sayonara to you. 

Just remember that everything falls into place, everything happens for a reason.

“As I look back on my life, I realize that every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better.” 

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