one of my fav scenes.
one of my fav scenes.
Seriously cannot wait for Vegas NYE with my bffls. I already know it’s gonna be unforgettable ^_^
I am hands down in the best relationship I have yet to be in and I’m so fucking crazy about you, you have no idea god fucking damnit I just wanna tell you over and over and over again and kiss you everywhere and make you feel so fucking loved.
You make me so happy. I’ve never been so happy with anyone I’ve ever dated before you.
I forgot the word “reindeer” today so I described them as “Christmas llamas” why
It may be early into the month, but I decided to write all of this now since this is something I’ve been wanting to get off my chest for a while.
I’m not gonna lie when I say that 2013 was not the best year for me. I’ve been more negative than I ever have than in the past 3 years. But I guess that’s life. There’s always a yin to a yang; and a yang to a yin. Life is never perfect. You always have to go with the flow and keep going, no matter what happens.
You see it hasn’t been easy. This is actually the first year in a long time that I’ve had more downs than ups.. I’ve cried more than I ever had. I hurt myself as well as others in my life. I dated someone bad, then I met someone better. I’ve lost a few close friends, got closer with some old friends, got my first job, lost it, etc. There were conflicts and fixes.. There were tears and laughter. So many mixed emotions.. But I know that everything that’s happened; whether it was in the past or present.. It’s all for the best.
For starters, when 2013 began, I was still “dating” a guy that I stayed with regardless of his situation. He had just gotten out of a 6 year relationship and from the looks of it (no matter how much he hid it from me and refused to talk about it), he was hurting.. and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I would catch him posting little hints about her via Instagram and such.. I remember finding his Twitter and reading all his little sub-tweets to her.. and the thing was, he never told me any of this. That hurt a lot. Instead of trying to worry, I decided to stay positive. I tried to keep myself on my toes and continue being the best I could be for him, to the point where I lost it. This started a lot of negativity for me and for the rest of the year. I became paranoid, anxious, scared, tired all because of this one guy. All because of a past I never knew about and because I wanted to help him be happy.. even if I wasn’t happy myself. Eventually, I decided to let it go because I deserved better.. I always knew that I didn’t need his half-ass effort. Nobody deserves to be sad in a relationship. Everyone in this life deserves to be happy. Breaking up with him was the “bittersweet” part of my year, I didn’t wanna lose someone like him but at the same time I wanted to leave soooo badly. I remember the morning after we ended things.. I drove to my girl, Sophia’s house in tears. Crying on her lap while she hugs me.. Then her boyfriend, Jojo goes out and gets me a bottle of red. I downed it all down. I remember being so drunk that I couldn’t drive or walk. I remember going to my dad’s birthday dinner, drunk but trying to contain myself at the same time. I was okay at the end of the night.. yet I was so numb. I was sad and blamed myself for so many things. I hated myself for putting a guy over myself. I didn’t eat or sleep. I would trap myself to stay sad until I was sick of it. I blamed myself for staying when I should’ve known better. I began to punish myself in various ways.. (I’ll get into that in a bit). I was very sad. I never felt more sad in forever…. It took a lot of consoling, a lot of random outings with family/friends and time alone for me to be okay again. At the end of it all, everything worked out for the best. My ex and I don’t communicate anymore. Which works because it never seemed like I was important in his life anyway, plus he seems happier. Which is good for him. Most of all, I’m happier for myself. I don’t regret any of this because it led me to a million better things.
Going back to the part where I “punished” myself in various ways.. I’ll start with how I told myself I had anxiety issues.. Which I do. I get anxious when it comes to certain situations. Such as… the fact that I get scared. I’m a shy AND outgoing girl. I have my moments when I’m talkative, and then I have my shy moments. A lot of people don’t know this, but when I’m shy. I’m freaking out inside. I don’t open up and I close myself out. I get so scared. I keep myself and my emotions locked in a box. I don’t have major anxiety but I have minor anxiety. It’s not that strong but it’s there. Another anxiety issue I have is that I’ve always been afraid of people leaving me when I was a kid, from that moment on.. It’s always been a fear of mine ever since. I believe after my ex and I split, it added a lot of stress internally. I decided to put that forth more than the fact that I was hurting because he left me. I blamed myself inside for staying, but at the same time I was hurt by him hurting me. I decided to lose myself. I thought in order to find myself was by cutting out everyone in my life and starting fresh. Meet new people, doing new things.. Just let go and be free. That ended up not going so well.. Instead, it cause major miscommunication with my friends and it ended up having my them push themselves away from me.. Causing me to be very angry and it was just a ongoing bad cycle of miscommunication (I’ll get more into that in a bit as well…) There were a few people that stuck around; helped me along the way and I’m super thankful for them, they know who they are. From that moment on, I tried my best to get out and set free. I needed a fresh start because I had too much angry energy engulfed within myself over the past few months. I met new people and did new things. Doing things out of my usual, I felt a little more relieved.. yet I wasn’t fully satisfied because I wanted my friends. I needed them most. But things happen for a reason. In the end, I was okay. Actually, I was more than okay. I got out of my comfort zone and did things for me. I worked out, ate better, hung out with new people, got my G license, got my first job, reconnected with old friends, reconnected with family.. Everything became more blissful. I didn’t need to worry about the anxiety anymore because in the end, I guess it was all in my head. I just had to find ways to do better for me, not for others.
When I got my first job, it was a joyous occasion. I was so happy. I remember calling everyone and telling them the good news. I was so proud of myself.. Me having grown up in a life where I never worked a day in my life, it was a big deal for me. I remember my first day overcoming myself with excitement. I was so ready. But as time went by, it wasn’t so …. easy. First of all, my store was in Brampton. I live in Mississauga. Which is literally a 15 min drive away. In the beginning, I remember people telling me that it was a far drive.. I flat out denied that. I didn’t believe Brampton was “really not” thaat far. But in reality…… Yeah LOL. I was wrong. It was quite the struggle to commute to work everyday and not be late. I was always so exhausted. My parents disliked the fact that I drove a distance to waste gas and work to come home even more tired. I honestly didn’t think it would be difficult to commute because I was use to my previous daily commutes downtown and back for school. But in the end, it was a bad idea. I remember asking to relocate locations but they wouldn’t let me. So I was pretty much stuck. Other little situations happened at my store, but I’ll keep those issues private. In the end, I lost my job and I’m just gonna leave it at that. I was sad yes, but I needed to move on and find a better job… and focus on other important things.
This year was a shitty year for friendship. I lost two of my best friends to HUGE miscommunication. Too much animosity got added up to the point, that things just aren’t the same anymore. Long story short, I got upset because they got closer and didn’t include me during the times they all hung out. I got jealous and envious because of the way that they treated each other. The way they acted like they were closer and etc.. I never felt that way whenever I was around with them.. and because of that, I felt left out. Yeah I know It’s immature to think about all of that being an issue… but at that time, that was the root of how things started.. and from then on, a lot of shit added up from there. We’re all “okay” now, but it’s never stayed consistent. I don’t know if things will ever go back to the way the were anymore.. Especially since that was all in the past. I can’t keep looking back and hoping that everything will go back to normal, because it won’t. I mean, we’re all growing into adults now.. It’s turned more into what we need to do with ourselves rather than worry about “high school drama” I keep putting myself in this pit hoping that they’ll come back and take me out, but so far, in all honesty, nothing has changed. I’ve even gone out of my way myself to get these people back into my life, but either way, still no change. I’ve spoken to a lot of people about this, and they all tell me the same thing which is, “let it go” I still wish that I can fix things.. but it’s gotten to the point where it’s exhausting and either way, nothing is gonna happen. The best thing to do is move forward and wish them the best. I really do wish them the best.. Deep down in my heart, I really do hold a lot of love for them. I won’t lie when I say that I miss them everyday.. Maybe in person, I’ll never admit it but.. I really do. I don’t know if they ever read my blog anymore but, I want to let them both know that I’ll always cherish the memories I spent with them and that I’ll forever keep them as lessons in my mind.
The only good part about my year was meeting Adrian. Now, I don’t want to make this part sound all lovey dovey/cheesy/corny/etc.. (okay I’m lying lmfao) but I’ve never felt more content. Especially with somebody like him. He’s waaay more than my boyfriend, he is my best friend. I mean that wholeheartedly. I never thought I’d meet someone who has my best interest at heart; and cares about me more than I care about myself… I also never thought I’d meet someone who would be my friend first. I use to think that was impossible especially since I’ve friend zoned various guys in the past and never looked at them that way.. but all of that doesn’t matter, because now ? I’ve met someone who is MY friend first :). I met Adrian at a low time in my life. I was very very very sad.. but for some reason, regardless of the circumstance.. he was always there. Texting me and whatnot LOL. Not that he was a distraction or anything but talking to him made me feel better. He never judged me or put me down. We just talked about stuff. Random stuff. Stuff that not everyday people would talk about. I really liked talking to him. We would go on for hours via texting/calling each other about our day, our views in life, advices, past stories, funny ass jokes, etc etc. It was endless. I was glad because I made a new best friend. Down the line, I started to grow feelings for him. At the same time, I was very unsure because I didn’t want to believe it. I was still a little vulnerable and didn’t want to go for him because I didn’t want to hurt him. I just got out of a relationship, same with him.. At the time, I didn’t know why I thought the way I did for him.. because it’s not everyday that you make a new friend and immediately you like them and care about them and their needs. I decided to let it flow because I was never sure of him feeling the same way for me. I remember getting jealous a few times whenever he’d bring up random girls from time to time because I didn’t know what his intentions were. But one thing I knew of for sure was that he wouldn’t be capable of hurting me because he was my friend :). I knew he had a good heart the moment we started talking. Since the start, we always had such awesome communication. Whenever I had the chance to, I never hesitated at a moment to talk to him. I would always pick up my phone, go to the phone book and call him. I would just do it, with no hesitations. I didn’t know why, till this day I still don’t know why LOL. It was some next natural feeling. Same goes for him, he would never hesitate texting me.. He would just do it. (I’m the caller, he’s the texter lmfao) I remember times looking at my phone seeing “Adrian Alconcel (24)” Oh man. Our talks were endless. Even the times we would chill together, we would always have a fun time. It was always a good time. We would have our own inside jokes and such (Btw gonna stop right there cause I don’t wanna expose our full story on how we met, got together and made it official because I’ll save that for another time ^_^) ..Long story short, things just came together. We ended up making it official. It may be a little early.. but things are really great :). I know that we’re gonna have a fun relationship. We’re fun people :D jk but not really…. LOL ANYWAYS, Adrian is the bomb. He makes me laugh with the silly things he does/says, he’s motivating, he’s supporting, he’s giving, he’s a family guy (which I like a lot because I have a big fam too) He’s the best. He’s my best friend. We also have an understanding of each other and it’s all genuine. I have my times when I have my low days, but he’s there; teaching me, motivating me, supporting me.. Telling me that I’m better than the thoughts in my head. I adore him for that. I’ve never met anyone like him. He’s someone who makes me want to be a better person. Bottom line is, I’m happy. I’m blessed. I can’t stress enough.. I honestly wouldn’t trade any of this for the world. :) ..I’m not one to look far into the future, but I have a really good feeling about this one.
Sooooooooo yes.. To end this all off… Yeah I know I just went on a huge rant on my current 2013 life situations LOL.. but I really felt that I needed to get this all off my chest. I’ve felt as of lately, I haven’t been enjoying my life as much.. but looking as this is the last month of the year, I wanna try my best to make it better. Am I still sad ? To be completely honest, when it comes to the friend department, I am.. but with everything else going on, I’m happy :). I have so much faith and I know that everything will turn out okay. I really hope that 2014 kicks ass and that it is better waaay than 2013. I have a feeling it will be. I just need to work on myself more. That’s probably my main goal for 2014. I need to learn not to worry about the people that don’t worry about me. I need to learn how to be my own person. I’m a strong girl. I know that with time and lots of effort, I can do this :).
Here’s to the people going through a low time in their life right now; I hope and pray that you will all get through this and find the light at the end of the tunnel. If you find that you haven’t, keep going and eventually you will get there ! Life is a journey filled with trials and tribulations. Struggles will always be there, but it’s important to go through the bad in order to get to the good. Lessons will always be there, as well as blessings. Just know at the end of the day, you are your own person and you’re the only person in charge of your happiness. Never let anyone or anything belittle you. You can and will get to your destination :). It is not the end.
I love seeing people walking by with little smiles on their face because something small happened that made them happy. Maybe they got a cute text, maybe they got laid, maybe they killed a man. You will never know.